If you're stupid, don't vote
By DAN KENITZ
Posted: Nov. 2, 2006
Aside from what they actually vote for, what many people disagree on is whether or not it's the responsibility of eligible citizens to vote. Since you technically don't have to vote but might be wondering if it's right for you, I've assembled this list to help you discern whether or not you ought to vote.
• If you believe that it's everyone's responsibility to vote, you're stupid. Don't vote.
• If you're disillusioned with the entire democratic process because you don't like President Bush, voted against him twice yet he still got elected, you're stupid. Don't vote.
• If you understand the depth and nature of the American military's sacrifice from Bunker Hill to Baghdad and its continued importance to our survival as a nation and as a collective soul, you're smart. Vote.
• If you want to re-elect Gov. Jim Doyle because you saw a TV ad that says Rep. Mark Green gives kickbacks to Big Oil, you're stupid. Don't vote.
• If you want to vote for Green because you saw a TV ad that says Doyle gives kickbacks to everyone else, well, I think you're right but that doesn't necessarily make you smart. Don't vote.
• If you think Milwaukee Republicans got carried away about Democratic voter fraud in recent years while supporting voter ID requirements that make sure votes are being cast by actual people, join the Democratic Party, change your name to John Doe and vote 1,700 times.
• If you've already moved to China because it has bought up a majority of our debt and is moving closer to a democracy, you're smart - and disloyal. Send an absentee ballot.
• If you support the space program, vote twice.
• If you think "Barack Obama bin Laden" is the country's greatest threat since "Albert Hitler," congratulations on graduating from the U.S. public education system. But don't vote.
• If your primary motivation for voting is that someone offered you a pack of cigarettes if you vote for Candidate X, you're an honorary Democrat. Don't vote.
• If you view freedom not as something that you automatically should be entitled to just by existing but should be regularly and proactively exercised, you're smart. Vote.
• If you believe that Wisconsin needs to be more like Illinois, and therefore should have more tollways, move to Illinois and vote there.
• If you were asked who Chester A. Arthur was and you responded, "Did he start a sandwich franchise?" no points will be deducted - it was a good guess. You can vote.
• If you feel that your financial well-being is the responsibility of the government, the upper class, the middle class, your kids or anyone who's not you, you're stupid. Don't vote.
• If you get emotionally upset because a columnist called you stupid, don't vote. You're easily excitable and shouldn't have any say over who gets access to The Button.
Now, total up your score: Add a point for "vote"; subtract a point for "don't vote." If your score is zero or above, feel free to vote. If you got a negative number, steer clear from voting booths and longer words in general.
By the way, if you really use this list to figure out whether or not you should vote, you're stupid. Don't vote.
Dan Kenitz of Hartford is a writer who runs a political Web site, BipolarNation.com. His e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org
(Thank you Barbara!)
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